“When someone shows you who they are, believe them; the first time.”
~Maya Angelou
I always ask clients about their ex-partner’s nature/personality/behaviour. I will say, “you know your ex-spouse better than me – tell me about them.”
I want to know if my client is safe and supported.
I want to know how their relationship was before the break up.
I want to know what their ex-spouse said and how they spoke to, and about, my client.
I want to know what was not said.
I want to know how they interacted and engaged with my client, their family, community and work.
I want to know how my client felt when they were in the presence of their ex-spouse and when they were away from their ex-spouse. I want to know how their ex-spouse made them feel about themselves.
I want to know who ended the relationship and why it ended.
People are always telling you who they are – in how they treat you, speak to you, do not speak to you. As humans, we are informing each other all of the time about who we are, who we are not and who we have always been.
When one spouse speaks about “their money” or “my money” – not “family money” or “our money” – I know the uphill path we will face when the issue of division of assets and finances will come up in the negotiations.
When I hear “I thought they would change” and “I know they said they didn’t want to – fill in the blank –[i.e. have children, buy a house, move, work outside of the home, etc.] but I didn’t believe them.” – I will get a sense of how far apart both parties’ vision was when it came to their relationship and roles.
The ending of a relationship is often just as important as the beginning and middle –sometimes more so.
The ending can be a reminder to trust the voices in your head and the feeling in your body.
Trust your gut.
Trust it early on.
Trust it often.
Trust it again and again.
