The List of “I wish I had known…”
I was in Tofino in August and while there I saw five beach weddings take place. The brides were in long flowing white dresses, their assigned maids of honour holding up the trains of lace so that they did not touch the sand as they walked across the beach to gather with family and friends that had arrived for this special day. The grooms (the weddings I saw this weekend on the beach were all heterosexual but I’m sure that somewhere LGBTQAI+ nuptials were taking place) had tuxedos and their groomsmen all accordingly attired in formal matching suits accompanied their friend/family member to the cove on the beach where the vows would be taken. A stunning setting. A tremendous amount of planning involving flowers, colour scheme, food, and organizing family and friends to attend a wedding in Tofino (no small feat in cost, time and transportation alone). All wedding parties had the best weather and the glorious ocean backdrop to mark this momentous occasion.
August is the most popular wedding season. Planners have been booked as much as a year or more in advance and venues similarly needed to be canvassed and secured. There is much to organize and many to-do lists to check off when creating a perfect wedding. Most weddings, as a plethora of wedding sites and magazines indicate, will cost in excess of $30,000 for the parties; many also spend much more for their celebration, but for most the cost and time and efforts to make the day memorable to mark their commitment are completely worthwhile with few regrets.
As a family law lawyer I always wonder if a new tradition could be added to the pre-wedding, pre-moving in list of events for couples-to-be before couples walk down the aisle or host a commitment celebration – that is, finding out more about what exactly it means legally to get married or to live together. Couples will likely not regret the cake they chose or the venue they booked because they have spent the time eating dozens of little cakes and attending several venues, weighing out the pros and cons of each decision, assessing the costs and coming to some consensus about their final determination; however, couples rarely understand the legal contract they are entering and the implications of becoming “spouses”.
In my experience, the regrets of not knowing about the legal rights and entitlements that are the result of marriage or living together are often expressed in an “I wish I had known…” list.
“I wish I had known ways to protect the savings or investments I had before we started living together.”
“I wish I had known more about what is included in family property.”
“I wish I had known more about my partner’s debt before I entered into a joint loan with them.”
“I wish I had known more about how they saw parenting and how they wanted raise the children.”
“I wish I had known we’d likely be making all co-parenting decisions for our children together.”
“I wish I had known you can’t just get spousal support, you have to be entitled to support and if my spouse does not agree I’ll have to go to court to seek support.”
“I wish I had known our family home was in his parent’s name.”
“I wish I had known money held in my business might be used to determine my income for child support.”
“I wish I had known my partner could share in my pension income.”
“I wish I had known that living together and being married in BC are the same for sharing property with my spouse.”
And on and on…
Spending time knowing about your rights is important for any major decision, and marriage and living together are huge, life-altering commitments. If children emerge from such unions then the commitment to each other if not as spouses any longer will need to continue as co-parents, which can be challenging in a multitude of ways. A break up can be tough on many fronts.
Going for a consultation with a lawyer can ease some of the stresses and worry of not knowing what to expect. Going to get legal advice does not mean your marriage or partnership is doomed from the start; in fact it can mean you are going in eyes wide open – transparent and clear. It can ease the stress of conversations that need to occur well before move-in dates and invitations being ordered. If you can’t have these conversations before you start your lives together, trust me, it will not make it any easier if in the end you need to part.
If you don’t have a one-on-one consultation with a lawyer then research and review public legal education sites and resources on family law. A few that are useful are:
https://wiki.clicklaw.bc.ca/index.php?title=JP_Boyd_on_Family_Law
http://www.familylaw.lss.bc.ca/
http://www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/life-events/divorce/family-justice/family-law
It doesn’t need to be dire. Make it an additional pre-wedding event, in the spirit of a party – have delicious food, lovely beverages and treats, and then share what you’ve learned, ask questions of those in your close circle who may have had to deal with family law issues, invite a lawyer to come and speak to your group…pitch in and get your friend a consultation. However you decide to approach it, make sure you find out the information in advance.
Ceremonies have contingencies. If it rains we will put up a tent. If the speeches run late we’ll let the band know. We’ll have extra champagne ready just in case. Things happen. Life happens. Putting “what ifs” aside doesn’t mean they won’t happen, it just may mean you have no tent when it starts to rain.
So walk down that beach, the ocean waves behind you, the sun shining above your guests ready to celebrate your special day with all the plans in hand, no worries about the flowers or the cake – and no worries about the “I wish had known…”