Usually sometime during my client consult I ask about “third parties”.
I’m typically trying to find out what other legal and non-legal factors might be an issue either for court matters or more importantly for negotiating matters towards settlement.
Third parties are more often than not the new person that has emerged from a relationship that started as an affair.
Affairs impact family law files.
Legally the law in B.C. is what is known as a “no fault” system i.e. it does not matter to the court or under the law if a partner had an affair – the law is not tasked with assigning fault to a spouse.
The reality is that affairs, cheating, stepping out, etc. on your spouse can create undercurrents (and sometimes full out tidal waves) in finalizing family law cases.
Big emotions come with affairs: anger, jealously, betrayal, sadness, grief, loss, rage, depression, and abandonment are just a few psychological effects.
Disclaimer: I am not a member of the “Beyhive” or whatever Jay-Z’s fans call themselves. I have not gone to a Beyoncé concert or Jay-Z concert and I know little to nothing about the lives of Jay-Z and Beyoncé except what I learned from social media after it came to light Jay-Z cheated on Beyoncé with what I understand is a straight haired woman. But that’s all I need to know to extrapolate the following.
If you watch Beyoncé in videos following the release of her album Lemonade and the subsequent social media whirlwind, you understand a few things about affairs:
- Even someone like Beyoncé was cheated on – shocking but true. It’s not just about looks or talent or being an awesome, overachieving, amazing person; people have affairs for complicated reasons. If Halle Berry and Beyoncé can be cheated on, then we are all vulnerable.
- Affairs can cause huge amounts of anger – Huge! A big part of the affair journey is for that anger to be released. Most do this with friends, getting rid of photos or gifts; others like Beyoncé have a multi-year roll out of songs, albums and videos that do creatively what would get other folks arrested if they did it in real life i.e. taking a bat to your ex’s car or many cars.
- If you are going to stay and work your relationship out there will be a reckoning; somewhere down the line the affair will need to be addressed. It might simmer along, but somewhere the person who has had the affair will be made to feel they have to redeem themselves. That’s right Jay-Z…cue the interviews and self-reflection and learning from having an affair. Inevitably some public personal transformation will need to be recorded. Taking ownership of the pain caused will mostly likely be on the person that had the affair – even though affairs are very complicated. It’s not always easy to clearly lay blame, unless from what I understand you are Jay-Z cheating on Beyoncé.
- I may forgive but I will not forget (and I may not really forgive). Even after agreements are signed or Orders are granted from the Court, the affair – even if not recognized by the law – will still be present. In mediation or collaborative law settings, with the assistance of divorce coaches and counsellors, there may be some opportunity to build steps towards forgiveness and healing, but forgetting is a different matter. In Beyoncé’s case having twins, renewing vows, becoming Vegan together, dropping albums and videos and now launching their “Everything is Love” tour are the healing steps forward. If any two mega moguls and stars can do it – I mean they can shut down the Louvre to film their video – they can do anything. Cue forgiveness and togetherness.
- Do not even think of calling someone “weak” for staying with their partner. The old mantra was “If I find out my spouse is having an affair I would be gone – I’m out of here!” But staying with a partner after an affair has becoming an evolving new trend. A badge of strength in some cases. Hilary did it and Beyoncé is doing it and these are undeniably strong people! They have choices and money and options – and they have decided to stay. Learning lesson: don’t judge those that stay. Everyone has their reasons – and P.S. – they don’t need to tell us what those reasons are.
The reality is that relationships are complicated, both for those that have the affair and those that are cheated on; it is rarely simple. Unlike Beyoncé and Jay-Z the fall-out of an affair can be an incredibly private matter. When people decide to break up it never appears to be an easy choice, but a choice that needs to be made.