“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
– Maya Angelou
Recently I was doing a presentation for some law students and I made a comment about practicing the law with kindness. I saw heads tilt, eyes become wide and brows furrowed – I could see the text bubbles over their heads. “Did she just say “kindness” and “law” in the same sentence?!”; “Family law and kindness?? Is she kidding?”; “Hmmmm….is this really possible?”, and “Yes! Yes! Yes!”.
I am heartened to see that some lawyers and legal associations are starting to have and in some cases are continuing the conversation about kindness in the practice of law. (See: Above The Law)
Other professionals, such as doctors and healthcare providers, are more on the forefront of discussing the importance of the practice of kindness in health care models.
The practice of family law can be one of the most toxic areas of legal practice.
Every day your job is to wake up and deal with people’s breakups. If you are a litigator, each day you are rolling your briefcase (and likely several boxes of document binders if you are in trial) into the courthouse to address the breakdown of someone’s relationship…the division of their assets, the parenting time arrangements for their children, child and spousal support, family debt and a variety of other issues.
You may be dealing with safety issues for your clients and their children and need to get protection orders and restraining orders for family assets.
If your clients are in mediation – although a less adversarial setting – the process of coming to agreement may also be very challenging.
In family law there are heightened emotions. There is meaning embedded into what lawyers might see as purely transactional moments, such as the transfer of RRSPs, transfer of the vehicle, sale of the family home, determining who gets Easter Monday vs. Easter Sunday with the kids and who keeps the couch.
Practicing family law can take a toll.
In The Power of Kindness: Why Empathy Is Essential in Everyday Life by Dr. Brian Goldman (Published April 24, 2018 by HarperCollins Publishers), Dr. Goldman talks about medical staff experiencing “compassion fatigue” from the constant impact of being on the frontlines of medical crisis with their patients.
I think as family law lawyers we also go through “compassion fatigue” as we are present for our clients in one of the most difficult times of their lives.
Even with those lawyers who show no visible sign of emotion, case after case, file after file, trial after trial, I wonder what’s going on internally; the toxicity is going somewhere – where is it showing up for this lawyer?
Studies into the wellness of lawyers repeatedly show high levels of depression, addictions, divorces/separations, anxiety and other mental health issues that disproportionately impact lawyers. In addition, lawyers are more vulnerable to heart attacks/disease and stroke. (See David J. Bilinsky’s blog post “Lawyers and Heart Disease” on his blog Thoughtful Legal Management.)
If we want lawyers to have longevity and health (in all forms) in the practice of law we are going to need to model kindness more; speak about kindness, embrace it and practice it. Recognize that it does not compromise our ability to advocate for our clients and that it may well in fact make us better advocates…and people.